Many women find that emotional abuse is difficult to name or even talk about. They often wonder if it is serious because you cannot see it, like bruises or broken bones. Emotionally abused women state that one of the biggest problems they face is that others seldom take it seriously. These questions will help you identify if you are being emotionally abused, and provide some ideas on what you can do about it.
What is your relationship like?
0. Do you feel that something is wrong with your relationship, but you don't know how to describe it?
0. Do you feel that your partner controls your life?
0. Do you feel that your partner does not value your thoughts or feelings?
0. Will your partner do anything to win an argument, such as put you down, threaten or intimidate you?
0. Does your partner get angry and jealous if you talk to someone else? Are you accused of having affairs?
0. Do you feel that you cannot do anything right in your partner's eyes?
0. Do you get mixed messages, such as the reason you are abused is because he loves you?
0. Are you told that no one else would want you, or that you are lucky your partner takes care of you?
0. Do you have to account for every moment of your time?
0. When you try to talk to your partner about problems, are you called names such as bitch or nag?
0. Are you prevented from going to work or school, or from learning English?
0. Does your partner threaten to withdraw your sponsorship or send you back to your country of origin?
0. If you wish to spend money, does your partner make you account for every penny,
0. or say you don't deserve anything?
0. After an argument, does your partner insist that you have sex as a way to make up?
0. Does he use the children against you in arguments? Does your partner threaten that you will never see the children again if you leave?
0. Does your partner blame you for everything that goes wrong?
How are you affected?
0. Are you unable or afraid to make decisions for yourself?
0. Do you do anything you can to please your partner or not upset him?
0. Do you make excuses for your partner's behaviour?
0. Are you forgetful, confused or unable to concentrate?
0. Have you noticed changes in your eating, sleeping, alcohol or drug use?
0. Have you lost interest or energy to do the things you used to?
0. Do you feel sick, anxious, tired or depressed a lot of the time?
0. Have you lost contact with your friends, family or neighbours?
0. Have you lost self-confidence and feel afraid that you could not make it alone?
What can you do about it?
0. Realize that emotional abuse is a serious problem and you can get help.
0. Recognize that emotional abuse is as bad or worse than physical abuse.
0. Take your own safety and the safety of your children seriously.
0. Know that emotional abuse can lead to physical violence or death.
0. Know that you are not to blame for your partner's abusive behaviour.
0. Find people to talk to that can support you. Consider going for counselling.
0. Do not give up if community professionals are not helpful. Keep looking for someone that will listen to you and take emotional abuse seriously.
0. Recognize that you have the right to make your own decisions, in your own time, and that dealing with any form of abuse may take time.
Trust yourself and your own experiences. Believe in your own strengths. Remember that you are your own best source of knowledge and strength, and that you already have the tools you need to survive.
You may be becoming or already are a victim of abuse if you:
0. Feel like you have to "walk on eggshells" to keep him from getting angry and are frightened by his temper.
0. Feel you can't live without him.
0. Stop seeing other friends or family, or give up activities you enjoy because he doesn't like them.
0. Are afraid to tell him your worries and feelings about the relationship.
0. Are often compliant because you are afraid to hurt his feelings; and have the urge to "rescue" him when he is troubled.
0. Feel that you are the only one who can help him and that you should try to "reform" him.
0. Find yourself apologizing to yourself or others for your partner's behaviour when you are treated badly.
0. Stop expressing opinions if he doesn't agree with them.
0. Stay because you feel he will kill himself if you leave.
0. Believe that his jealousy is a sign of love.
0. Have been kicked, hit, shoved, or had things thrown at you by him when he was jealous or angry.
0. Believe the critical things he says to make you feel bad about yourself.
0. Believe that there is something wrong with you if you don't enjoy the sexual things he makes you do.
0. Believe in the traditional ideas of what a man and a woman should be and do -- that the man makes the decisions and the woman pleases him.
0. (some people) Have been abused as a child or seen your mother abused.
If you are abused:
0. You are not alone and you are not to blame. You cannot control his violence. There are ways you can make yourself safer:
0. Call the police if you have been assaulted. Charging abusive males is a necessary step in reducing physical violence.
0. Tell someone and keep a record of all incidents for evidence.
0. Write down the details for yourself as soon as possible after the assault. Keep it in a safe place where he won't find it.
0. Develop a safety plan. Memorize emergency numbers. Keep spare house and car keys handy. Know where you can stay in an emergency.
0. Consider ending the relationship as soon as possible. Without intervention, his violence will increase in frequency and severity as time passes.
0. Recognize that no one has the right to control you and that it is everyone's human right to live without fear.
Look out for men who:
0. Do not listen to you, ignore you or talk over you.
0. Sit or stand too close to you, making you uncomfortable and seem to enjoy it.
0. Do only what they want or push you to get what they want.
0. Express anger and violence towards women either through words or physically.
0. Have a bad attitude toward women.
0. Are overly possessive or jealous.
0. Drink or use drugs heavily.
Have a reputation for "scoring".
Emotional Abuse of Women by Male Partners: the Facts
In heterosexual relationships, most abuse happens to women by their male partners. Emotional abuse, like physical abuse, is used to control, demean, harm or punish a woman. While the forms of abuse may vary, the end result is the same - a woman is fearful of her partner and changes her behaviour to please him or be safe from harm. Many people think that emotional abuse is not as serious or harmful as physical abuse. Women state that this is not true, and that the biggest problem they often face is getting others to take emotional abuse seriously.
Some tactics of emotional abuse by an abuser are to:
0. Isolate a woman from her friends, family, cultural or faith community, care providers, and prevent her from having independent activities such as work, English as a Second Language classes or other education;
0. Act overly jealous or possessive; accuse a woman of having affairs if she talks to another man; coerce her into sexual activity to prove her love;
0. Criticize a woman constantly - her actions, size and appearance, and abilities;
0. Use a woman's disability or deafness to demean or control her;
0. Threaten, intimidate, harass, or punish a woman if she does not comply with her abusive partner's demands;
0. Use the children to control a woman, for example undermine her authority as a parent or threaten to take them if she should leave;
0. Make all of the decisions in the family, withhold information and refuse to consult her or about important matters such as where they live, or the family's finances;
0. Control the money - what is spent, how it is spent, not allow a woman access to financial resources, or conversely not contribute to any of the household expenses.
Commonly Asked Questions
1. How many women are emotionally abused?
More women experience emotional abuse than physical violence. 35% of all women who are or have been in married or common-law relationships have experienced emotional abuse (1). In comparison, 29% of women have been physically assaulted by their male partners (2).
2. Is emotional abuse a safety risk to women?
The presence of emotional abuse is the largest risk factor and greatest predictor of physical violence, especially where a woman is called names to put her down or make her feel bad (3). Emotionally abusive partners also commit murder or murder-suicide. Women are at most risk of being killed when they leave their partners (4). Women themselves can also be suicidal as a result of emotional abuse.
3. How can emotional abuse be as hurtful or harmful as physical abuse?
Most women indicate that emotional abuse effects them as much, if not more than, physical violence. They report that emotional abuse is responsible for long-term problems with health, self-esteem, depression, and anxiety (5). In one study 72% of women reported that being ridiculed by their abusive partners had the greatest impact on them, followed by threats of abuse, jealousy, and restriction (or isolation). It was also found that the impact increased with the frequency of the emotional abuse (6). However, like women who are physically and sexually abused, emotionally abused women demonstrate incredible resilience and inner strength as they successfully balance the everyday demands of life such as children, school and work.
4. Aren't women just as emotionally abusive as men?
Emotional abuse, just like any other form of abuse, is about power. Women may exhibit some of the behaviours labeled as abuse, but it is critical to assess whether her actions give her power and make her partner fearful of her. Research has shown that being female is the single largest risk factor for being a victim of abuse in heterosexual relationships (7), something that is clearly reflective of women's lower status in our society.
5. Why don't women just leave?
Women generally do whatever they can to end the emotional abuse, whether directly or indirectly, such as trying to avoid, escape or resist their [abuser] in some way (8). Unfortunately, women who are emotionally abused often find that their experiences are minimized or misunderstood by those they turn to for help. In addition, beyond short-term emergency shelters and services, there are few long-term options available to abused women. The lack of accessible affordable housing, inadequate income support, legal aid, and day care prevent a woman from having the resources to live free from abuse. As a result of these and other barriers, an emotionally abused woman usually leaves her partner an average of five times before ending her relationship (9).
Is Neglect Abuse? Can Abuse be Merely Psychological?
Yes, it is and yes, it can. Many women have written to me asking me, "I don't think my boyfriend is an abuser. He doesn't fit into the category of "abuser", he doesn't hit me or call me names or yell. He doesn't put me down or sexually abuse me, but he does things to hurt me on a regular basis. He negelcts me. He keeps me at a distance and isn't there for me and lets me down all the time, but I feel like I can't leave him. Is it abuse?
Your boyfriend/husband may be abusing you by neglecting and distancing himself. Here are signs that you are being psychologically abused in this subtle way:
1) He is not there for you when you are sick, tired or in need of his help or if you need a favor. You tell him you need him and it hurts that he isn't there, but he keeps on doing it.
2) He moans or complains when you cry, need to talk or just want to have normal conversation. In spite of your complaints, his behavior doesn't change.
3) He fails to do things like call you when he says he will. You voice that this hurts your feelings but he keeps doing it.
4) He stands you up, often making other things in his life more important than you in spite of your complaints that he doesn't spend much time with you in comparison to his other activities. No matter how much you complain, he still puts you at the bottom of his list.
5) He frequently lets you down. Is late for dates or forgets important anniversaries or birthdays.
6) He doesn't celebrate with you when you have a success and he doesn't seem interested when you talk about your dreams.
7) The conversations with him are almost ALWAYS about HIM. He complains about his life but does he listen to you? Never.
8) You are constantly trying to discover ways to get his attention.
9) He frequently ignores you if you're upset or refuses to have a conversation because he says he doesnt' like "confrontation."
10) He always puts others and other things before you----always.
11) He gives you just enough love and attention to keep you around but not quite enough.
12) He never does anything special for you and he never says thank you or shows his appreciation that you did something for him.
13) If he is upset or hurt about something or scared, he withdrawals instead of sharing his emotions with you.
14) He doesn't share his success with you. He doesn't share his dreams. He'd rather watch the ballgame.
15) He frequently lets you cry and doesn't even respond.
16) He lies to you.
17) He does things he knows will hurt you. (Like not calling for four or five days). I even know a person whose husband did not call her for more than a month when she was travelling. He even had the audacity to ask her as to why she called him up if he was not calling her. To add to this, when he went on a business tour, he told her not to call him because he would be on roaming.WOW!
18) He won't commit to calling you his girlfriend. He won't say he loves you and if he does, you'll be lucky to hear it again.
19) He doesn't introduce you to his friends/family even though you've been going out a significant amount of time.
20) He never says he's sorry or takes responsibility for anything stupid that he does to you.
If you are being psychologically abused
You may feel....
At a loss as to how to get his attention. He pays so much attention to everything else in his life, but not you.
Like minimizing the things he does saying, "Oh, it isn't that big of a deal" when inside you really feel terribly hurt.
Exhausted trying to be good to him when you get so little in return.
Depressed and unloved.
Unattractive, undesirable.
Empty.
Fragile/hypersensitive
On the edge of your seat wating to see wether he'll do what he promised "this time"
Nervous/on edge
You have a funny gut feeling that something just isn't right in the relationship but can't put your finger on it
My Advice.....
You need to drop this relationship. It may take you years to overcome the damage this guy did to your self esteem. I know it's hard to think of neglect as abuse but it is. When someone dismisses and neglects you and your feelings and is selfish and self involved to the point of making you feel unloved, unappreciated and invisible then that, my friend, is abuse.
Get out. Get out. Get out. And find ways to heal. Keep a journal. Read some books about emotional abuse. But don't stay in this relationship and don't minimize the things he does.
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